So much has happened IN MY MIND in my PSYCHE. And I can’t wait to share it all with you.
My surgical team removed 23 cancerous lymph nodes from my right arm pit. A person has 20-40 lymph nodes in the under arm area. Unfortunately the pathology revealed that the cancer found in my removed lymph is the more “serious form of cancer.”
If you liken your body to a Brita Water Purifier system as I often do, the lymph nodes are your filters. They clean your body of toxins. So everything travels through them. The good and the bad. Because the “more serious form of cancer” was found in my filter, and even though they removed it during surgery, my oncologist is concerned that “micro cells of cancer” could have potentially been transported throughout other parts of my system. SOOOOOOO they are giving me a few extra doses of chemo. A few as in 14. THE GOOD NEWS, because dude THERE IS ALWAYS GOOD NEWS, I will only be receiving treatments every 3 weeks and the side effects are minimal. THANK FUCKING ALL THE DOGS IN THE WORLD FOR THAT SHIT. Also you should know I no longer say “god.” Dog is now my chosen form of religion because I owe all that I am and all that I have become to the love, respect and support that I have received from the dogs in my life. Humans too but dogs man. Dogs.
Now don’t get me wrong. Chemo is chemo. It is poison for your body. It erases and kills cells that might just be chillin’ helping their buddies move a couch from the liver to the kidney and then BAM fucking dead on impact. But it also kills the mother fuckers that are eating my blood and littering in my spleen. Side effects include, hot flashes, bitch those things suck but I’m handling them with as much grace as I possible. My kids might ask me why I’m dressed like summer all the time but who cares, I officially do not have sweat on my upper lip for the first time in 3 weeks. Nausea, dizziness, and SHOULD NOT EFFECT HAIR GROWTH. HALLELUJAH. Big win here. Leave my hair alone. It just arrived from a very long time away and is homesick. Baby hairs need some matzo ball soup and mama’s loving.
Hills and valleys baby. Hills and mother fucking valleys. It’s not just a theory used in life. It’s a thought that has carried me through my cancer journey. Sometimes you’re on top of a hill breathing that cool, crisp, clean hill fresh air and feeling fucking spiritual. And sometimes you’re stuck in a valley kicking trash on the sidewalk so you can shuffle through the rain and clouds. But you need both. You need to realize that they are both necessary. Without the valley you would never appreciate the hills. It’s the struggle, the hardships that keep us funky fresh.
The lesson(s) I’ve been working on as of late …
1.) REALIZE, INTERNALIZE how far I have come. Look back a bit. Baby we’ve done A LOT OF HEALING.
2.) Be still. Rest. Recoup. And respect that shit. Rest is key. Give it to yourself as a gift. Thank you self for all you do for me. For fighting for my daily survival. And as a thank you, let’s rest.
3.) DO NOT look ahead. Why, so you can give yourself a panic attack in the middle of CVS because you can’t find the fluoride toothpaste that your Dr. mentioned might be a good idea to use during radiation treatments. BITCH YOU ARE A MONTH AWAY FROM RADIATION TREATMENTS CHILL DA FUCK OUT.
4.) Accept. This is a hard one. This is hard because my body, my feelings, my treatments are forever changing. Human beings aren’t built for change. We like consistency. Now imagine EVERYTHING you have EVER known changing entirely in a blink of an eye. And then every time you start to accept the new reality WHAM it changes again. SHIT’S HARD TO ACCEPT. But here’s the thing… accept it. Just do it. Accept. Let it in. Feel how you feel. Don’t shy away. Face it. You feel sad? Ok. Angry? Fuck ya. Worried? I hear ya. Accept it all. It’s all ok.
5.) Attitude of gratitude. Are you alive? What does it mean to live? Am I living “my best life?” It’s unfortunate that our brains have been hard wired to focus on negativity. I’m not sure why that is. Maybe we can blame big business for pitting us against each other in order to feed the competition monster of keeping up with the Jones’ but the buck stops here. It’s time to root for your neighbor who gets a new BMW. Root for the girl who puts up constant selfies, ya bitch you look cute we see you go girl! It’s not a competition. It’s not a race. It’s a JOURNEY. It’s YOUR journey. Appreciate it. Appreciate you. And let the rest GO. RELEASE THE CRAKEN and fucking OHM babies.
6.) I like control. No. I like to feel in control. I’m a mom, a wife to a husband with extra health requirements, a business owner. I NEED TO HAVE THINGS IN ORDER. I always thought in order to be “successful” I needed to have all boxes checked, T’s dotted I’s crossed. That was until I got cancer. Then I realized we ain’t gat control of shit and instead of worrying if my radiation schedule fits adequately into my weekly trips to Target I feel grateful that I live 15 minutes from the best cancer care in America. I feel grateful that my husband and kids will drive me and pretend that we’re going on a “small road trip.” I’m grateful that I can kiss my kids whenever I want. I’m humbled by the love, support and the absolute rooting for my survival vibe that I have received from people, some strangers from all over the world. Rooting for MY LIFE. It’s amazing, humbling and breathtakingly beautiful.
Love reading your journey
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