“Mom, you’re doing great with chemo,” Lilah says as I take my 14th trip to the toilet before 8am. “Ya, and we’re doing great too.” Tommy chimes as he walks by holding his nose. I swear having cancer is a full time job. I set my alarm for 6am because I have come to learn that I need a solid 3 hours of toilet action before starting my day.
Between toilet time, fighting with insurance companies to cover things like mouthwash which assist in sores that accumulate in my mouth thanks to chemo, receiving chemo, meeting with my drs, taking medication and then recovering from said above, cancer should pay me to exist in my body. I’m expected to be a mom, a business owner, a wife to a chronically ill husband and a cancer fighter?! My plate is FULLLL and I haven’t even had dessert yet. But in the same breath, it’s being a mom, a business owner and a wife that allows me to be a cancer fighter as well as a survivor. And if at the end of the day I feel tired from the things I love, then I’m doing something right.
Every woman (and some men) have experienced “phantom hair.” Hair that you know is there, you can feel it tickling your arm, or stomach, or back BUT YOU CAN’T SEEM TO SEE IT. Today it was my turn to fight the apparitional hair. For hours I tried to find the long, invisible, blonde hair that tickled my skin. And then I realized alas! I DON’T HAVE ANY HAIR TO FIND! And that it has actually been months since I’ve had to separate my hair from the sink, or empty my brush, or finagle my floor. The hair I felt on my bod was a dog hair. Those I have plenty of.
I never considered that I would have cancer as I entered my 37th year. It never crossed my mind. Never thought I would have zero hairs on my head, that I would learn how to apply magnetic eyelashes or have a plastic tube permanently placed in my chest. I never thought that at the ages of 8 and 5 my children would know specific names of cancer treatments or that my parents would have prayer circles started in my name. I also never thought I would receive endless kindness from total strangers, meals cooked from scratch and made with love, or instagram messages from young women around the world sharing that they survived similar horrors and that I will too.
Cancer takes an awful lot. But it gives too. Just ask my toilet 😉
You are amazing!! Keep up the fight and I am always here if you need anything!
ReplyDeleteOhh Danielle impossible not to cry reading this you are a super strong woman. I wish you didn't have to be going through all this, but I know you have the strength to overcome it.
ReplyDeleteMy faith tells me without a doubt that you will emerge triumphant from this experience and that you will be able to tell your grandchildren proudly how you fought fiercely to see your children grow up and your hair turn gray next to those you love. God bless you my Superwoman! Huggs.
You are amazing Nell! Love you, Jodi xo
Delete