Storms, rainbows and supermarkets

Slip and slide into the day, go play.

Embrace it. 

Sometimes I feel like the scene from Stigmata when Patricia Arquette is experiencing unforeseen forces pushing and pulling her. WHAT DO YOU WANT DEMONNNNNN? Fine take it. 

Get up. Move. Easier said than fucking done especially when your entire being is screaming for you to do the exact opposite. 

When Steve was in the hospital I would get up early, shower, blow dry my hair, put on makeup, dress as if I was going to work and walk to the train station.  It was my ritual. My kick ass and take names preparation. It prepared me for “war.” 

It’s easy to “mail it in.” It’s easy to feel like your sweatsuit will save the day. But it won’t. It’s the opposite actually. It’ll steal your day and make you feel like you don’t deserve nice things.

I went food shopping with the kids. It was the highlight of my week. Is everyone aware of the fact that we are able to arrive at a destination, peruse aisles stocked with nutritional items from around the world, go home and eat them? Well you should be. 

Upon deciding to embark on our adventure I put on pants that did not have an elastic waist, stenciled on some eyebrows, selected some hair and embraced the storm. 

AND I ROCKED THAT SHIT

In the cereal isle I got a solid head nod and a thumbs up from a woman in scrubs. AND LET ME TELL YOU it filled my freaking bucket. 

There’s a constant running train thought process in my mind, contemplating if people know I’m sick. Do they look at me and think “aw poor thing?” Do they notice my wig and wonder why? Do I care? Should I care? Lately I’ve cared too much. Worrying what “they” think. But lemme tell you THAT notion is reaching it’s expiration date. Don’t tell me my business and enjoy the view. 

However this head nod, this affirmation made an impact. Her eye contact said “I see you. And YOU BETTER WORK.” I felt it. I felt her acknowledgment of my attempt. She understood how hard it was to get myself in that aisle. And without words she confirmed my endeavor.

My friend who is a breast cancer survivor once told me, “people will treat you like you’re sick and it will get in your head. Don’t let it.” She’s right. I choose to see the light. I choose to see the yes.

It is a process. It is a long road. It is ok.  After every storm comes a rainbow. Be grateful for the small things, the big things and everything in between. And that includes supermarkets.