Live, laugh, love and swear

 

“I touched your head while you were sleeping,” Lilah says.

 

“Oh ya?” I reply. “How was that?”

 

“Good. It felt soft. But nothing came off. Like, the rest of your little hairs didn’t come off or anything.”

 

She looked like she was keeping a huge secret that she was finally able to share. Like a forbidden truth that she questioned whether she should mention. 

 

Tommy says, “Mama I think you’re pretty. Like the prettiest. Even if you’re bald. I don’t even care.” 

 

“Thank you baby,” I mutter through tear filled eyes as I grab him and pull him close.

 

I had my 3^rd round of chemo. 13 rounds to go. 

 

It’s fun to have a countdown. I like them. I also like plans. But this shit you can’t plan. So I’ve learned to embrace loving the unknown.  What’s this round going to be like? What will tomorrow bring? The wonder wall of it all makes each day a moment to live for. The present is a gift. The future isn’t promised. But that’s cool. It’s all good. Live for the now. Sure.

 

Easier said than done. But it feels familiar. When Steve was sick I never thought of what would come next. I just imagined that this wasn’t all we were meant to have. That the road ahead WAS promised even though it wasn’t. I didn’t think of one specific path. Or where we would be 10 years from now. I just knew that we would be. We would exist.  That’s how it feels now. I don’t know where I’ll be in 10 years. I don’t’ know if I’ll be HERE. Actually, I know I won’t be in this space. I’ve already transformed into something else. The old me, the me of just 4 weeks ago is gone. It’s hard to remember who she was. 

 

Embracing this bald, beautiful path of liberation feels good. It feels right.

 

I’m seeing me. Possibly for the first time ever. And so is everyone else. Tommy and Lilah get to see who their Mama is. Without the bells and whistles of societal chains. The breakdown, and I don’t mean collapse. I mean BREAK-DOWN of Mama. Stripped to the core. Full of life, heart, soul, love. This mission is about me. But it’s also about them. What will they learn from this? What will be their takeaway? Live, love, laugh, and swear. A lot. We have two options, run from it, or run at it. Bitch better watch out, I’m fast.