As I continue down this road of enlightenment, I frequently stop to reflect. It feels like I’m Dorothy walking down the yellow brick road, observing my surroundings as I pass by. The sky reflects light between sunset and night. That brief stint of bedtime anticipation when you reflect upon your day, what went wrong, what went right while preparing for tomorrow. What you wish to accomplish and what responsibilities lie ahead.
I walk the yellow brick road alone. No one is on the road with me. I glance at the surrounding landscape of trees and foliage contemplating grabbing an apple from the tree. Should I pick one to eat now or place it in my bag so I have it for later? Life feels like a delicate balance of acting now while ensuring that I’m prepared for the future.
I’m aware of my spiritual well being. It’s a precious treasure hidden within which I keep under lock and key. I marinate it in self love, awareness and care. But it’s alive and like any living thing, requires a medley of treatment to sustain vivacity. It requires watering from outside sources, nourishment. But not too much or else it will drown. Not too much or else it becomes depleted within its own structure. Too much outside influence and the spirit becomes drained of its own resources.
It’s a delicate balance. A yin and yang of giving and receiving. To be mindful regarding giving your spirit while ensuring that you place yourself in a scenario to receive is a challenging skill to master. It’s not one that we, as women, have been educated upon. Women specifically, throughout society, have not received training on this subject. We have been taught to give. We have been told that our role is to give, then give some more and then give jusssssssst a smidgearoosky more until we are shriveled up little shells of ourselves. We’re not taught the importance of filling our own bucket. To listen to our souls. To exist quietly within ourselves and hear what our spirit requires. We are taught to evade our inner desires. That outside influences are more important than our own. Collectively we seek to solve the problems of others. Men need our help! C’mon ladies look at them suffering! Get on the job! We “fix” while our light dims. Our inner flame fades until we can’t remember a time when it burned brightly. It has become a skill to be able to look inward. It’s become an art to hear the stipulations of our own souls.
Because I was in a relationship for more than half of my life, learning to listen to my spirit was like learning a new language. For the last 3 years I protected my essence by blocking off all entry. CLOSED FOR RENOVATIONS FUCKERS. I needed to cease access in order to rebuild, restructure and REEVALUATE my balance. Very slowly, very carefully, I have begun to allow outside energy into my realm. I’m weary. I’m hesitant. I’m “standoffish.” I’m slow to warm. And you know what? That’s. Fucking. Ok. Because. That. Is. What. My. Soul. Requires. AndIdon’tgiveafuckifyoudon’tunderstandthat. And also, I’ve learned that I don’t havetooooo give anyone an explanation. My soul isn’t required to give you a why.
Realizing why women have been suppressed for all of time is fascinating. Because if we hadn’t been suppressed, if we hadn’t been told that we are required to GIVE all of our energy away, without it being returned, then we would have learned that the entire universe resides within us. We have all of the power inside our beings. We have the ability to give, to help, to love and heal. We are magic. We don’t require outside forces to regenerate. We can in fact feed our own souls but we never give ourselves the chance to do so. We never take the time to walk down the yellow brick road and converse with our inner spirit. Contemplate how our soul feels. We yang without the yin. Realizing that it doesn’t take a 2 week vacation escape to a deserted island (although that would help) to connect with our spirit, it merely takes a quiet mind, a designated space within your timeline of minutes in the hours of your day to stop. Reflect. Listen. Converse with yourself and feel what it is that your self requires. We’re taught that even if we listen to ourselves, we don’t know any better. Ourselves don’t know what we’re talking about so whateverrrrr carry on. Oh sure honey you want me to go food shopping, pick up the kids, make dinner, WORK AT MY JOB and listen to you while you unpack years of emotional childhood trauma? That sounds perfect thankssssss. NO. NO NO NOPE NO THANK YOU.
It’s my turn. It’s time for me to make decisions based on refilling my bucket. And if I chose to dole out snippets of my coveted and protected spirit then I will do so with discretion. I will follow that yellow brick road with OZ in the foreground, listening to what my soul requires. And if a flying monkey interjects his hairy balls into my space I will chose whether or not to flick them or give them a wave and carry on. Regardless I’m learning that my spirit and I are on a fantastic journey together. We’re off to see the wizard.
