I’m having the Latissimus Dorsi procedure next month. Radiation has thinned my skin resulting in a failed implant. During the procedure my surgeons will take skin, tissue and fat from my back and use it to create a healthy chestical pocket aka a spankin new bewb.
As I dress, I give my age old speech of female body expectations within society to Jax, the 80 lb boxer sitting on my bed. He listens intently as I extol the societal standards put on the female form and the reasoning behind me putting a jelly like, artificial body part in my bralette. I explain that it serves no merit except for the outside world’s viewing pleasure. As it gets stuck and twisted, falling to the floor and then sticking to my foot I frustratedly ask Jax, “Why am I doing this? What’s the point? Is it just for everyone’s delicate sensibilities? So they can look at me and think oh she’s just like us. She’s in tact. Why do I care what they think? What difference does it make if I have one or two or three bewbs??”
Jax watches me closely. His eyes following mine as he listens intently. “Right Jax? What do I care what they think?” He makes solid, unwavering eye contact and then I hear pffffffshft as Jax passes a loud, juicy and cumbersome fart. Exactly. Exactly Jax.
So what do I want in the New Year? Peace? Love? Happiness? 2 bewbs? Nipples? I want to keep going. Keep growing. I want to grow through what I’m going through.
Happiness is an inside job. I want to feel happiness for myself. I want to believe in happiness. To truly let go of that which doesn’t serve me. To stop letting thoughts that don’t offer happiness to rent space in my head.
While driving I run my hands through my hair. Several strands come out. The normal occurance of some follicles falling makes me freeze. I stare at the strands and loss my breath for 69 seconds. Remembering what was. The trauma of facing unforeseen circumstances. I thought we had moved past that shit. I thought we had healed.
I lost my hair 2 years ago. It’s back even better than before. But seeing those strands, I was immediately transported right back. And for a split second I was convinced that it was happening all over again.
New year. Sit in the life that you chose not in the life that just happened by default. Forget the past. Forgive yourself. Step forward. And convince yourself that you deserve it.
Grow through what you’re going through.
